A letter to me

Dear self-pitying Fran,

Snap out of it.

So what if you feel alone. How can you feel alone? You have a tiny person growing inside of you. Your little son or daughter is in there.

She/he needs you to be strong for them . You are going to be a role model.

Do you realise how lucky you are? You have friends who would kill to be in your position. To be pregnant and passing on genes to someone.You’ve seen how difficult it could have been. You have been blessed.

And here is you sitting there wondering if you have any friends.

Of course you have friends, they have lives you know. It’s not all about you.

You’ve seen some friends just recently, you’ve booked up to see some others.

Christmas is a time to get re-connected, do it.

Next year is going to so amazing.

Think about that.

Don’t worry about work. Your Maternity leave will soon be here and then you’ll have loads of new mums to play with.

Do your work, get home and forget about it.

It’s their loss anyway.

Now, lets wallow for a little while and move on.

That’s enough.

Go for a walk and shake this off. You are so much better and worth so much more.

And now, for a change, listen to what I have said. Sometimes, I do make sense.

And stop worrying about weight. Enjoy the extra pounds, it’s giving you a curve you’ve never had before and its all for a great reason.

It will be hard at times, but it is going to be worth it.

Love,

Me xo

Making sense of it all

**Warning, this is a pity post. If you don’t want to read this, please come back later**

Have you ever had a feeling inside you that you want so deseperately gone.

At the moment i’m feeling completely left out and very alone. I feel this in my personal and work life.

To clarify, I’m very happy at home. My Husband is the most perfect person for me. He calms me when I need soothing and bucks me up with I need to get on with something. Throughout my pregnancy so far, he has been everything that I have needed.

This is not about him, this is about me and my hang ups.

I feel like at work i’m a burden. Being  pregnant is a burden. I have appointments which are all necessary but I feel like its a hassel. An example of this is last week then I let them know about a midwife appointment in a few weeks time and neither my boss or my colleague replied. My colleague gets invited out to lunch with other members of our extended team and I get left out. I work on my own most of the time and when I say alone, I mean alone. I work on reception and the only time I see people is if they want something or they are going in the lift. Its been like this for 18 months since my friend was made redundant. Its really hard to be completely on your own apart from as few hours each week.When I am alone it gives me too much time to think.

I often sit and wonder why i’m not invited out to lunch, or why i’m not included in things. Is it because i’m a bitch; i’d say i’m a pretty nice woman who is there if you need her. Is it because i’m a gossip; anything you tell me doesn’t go any further than me. Am I just not likeable? I try to get involved in things, but I often get forgotten about.

Having space to think about things sometimes is the worst thing to have. It makes me wonder why I don’t have many friends.

I have about 5 really good friends. I don’t get to see them that much and it feels like since I got pregnant its even less. Am I being a burden to them by being pregnant? I don’t go out as much as I am desperately saving for the baby and Christmas is coming up. Have I become a bore?

My Mum is brilliant, she is really attentive, sometimes a little bit too much, but I understand that I am her baby, who is having a baby.

The rest of my family are OK. I don’t get to see them so much. Life just gets in the way of everything. I do feel like some members are closer to each other than I am, but that is nothing new.

I’m feeling disconnected from everyone. Hormones are not helping get perspective on these feelings.

I just want to feel like I belong. I just want to feel loved for who I am, and If you don’t like who I am then just be honest. If i’ve pissed you off then tell me.

Then I wont have to worry about what I am doing wrong and get on with my life.

I think I need to find people who are feeling like I do. I just don’t know where to start.

This post was bought to you by a fresh batch of hormones and some long hidden anxiety

Erm.

So I bought some nappies today. I had a voucher that was about to expire and I got some free stuff too which was cool.

I got home to put the nappies away with the other things we have got recently and I looked at them.

I really looked at them and realised just how tiny they are.

Teeny Tiny.

Yes they are for newborns, and newborns are tiny and that is exactly what I am going to have, but THESE ARE TINY.

Cue sit-down-on-the bed induced anxiety.

I’m having a baby, who is going to have a teeny tiny tushy.

I mean…just look at them*:

*Magazine for scale

Holy Jeebus.

And then another thing to put it into perspective — look at my belleh…this is at 16 weeks and I am 18 weeks tomorrow so…yeah, GROWTH SPURT is a coming.

Wow, this is  just a lot to take in.

Heartbeat

Can you hear us?

We heard you today for the first time

We’ve seen you before on a tiny screen

We have a photo of you on our window sill

But today

Today you made us feel like you were really there

 

THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP

 

Your heart beating twice as fast as mine

Stopping my heart for a fraction of  second while the midwife found it

She found it quickly, you aced this appointment today

Good BP, good size and good heart

My heart swelled for you again today

You let Mama know that what I am doing is right, all I am doing is for you

It reassured me that I was looking after you as much as I can from the outside

Thank you for doing that

I needed to know that

Pregnant

I think I might be pregnant

What makes you think that?

My breasts are larger than normal, I’ve had spotting, I’m incredibly emotional. But my period isn’t due for two weeks.

Well maybe you’re not pregnant.

But what If I am? …

 

Turns out I was pregnant but didn’t know it. My sister guessed it before I did. I had the look of pregnancy.

Apparently.

At that point you were a cluster of cells.

That night she suggested it, I drank more than I should have done. How could I be pregnant? It can’t have been that easy for us.

 

We argued about a rocking chair, decided that maybe it wasn’t the right time to start a family.

 

Lets leave it until January, Dad will probably be much better then.

 

And that was our plan.

 

But You had made a new plan.

27th August came and went. No period. No cramps.

30th August came and went. 3 days late. A whole bank holiday Monday to think about if I was pregnant.

31st August I was definitely pregnant. Two positive tests.

 

Uncontrollable crying, convulsing with every sob. Why was I crying?

 

In my whole life, all I wanted was a baby. But this wasn’t under our terms. We were waiting until January, how did this happen?

 

I’d thought that whole time I was pregnant. But with everything in our life, I never thought I would be that lucky. I am never that lucky. You came into our lives against all odds. Against all doctors statistics, against my dodgy ovaries.

 

You are already stubborn it seems.

 

So, I think that makes you 5 weeks pregnant

Yep, when do you think this happened?

Who knows, but It was obviously meant to be our time now.

How do feel about this?

Nervous, terrified even, but I can’t take this smile off my face.

Ditto.

 

Weeks 5-10 were a blur. My most common feeling was being alone. It felt like No one was around. We decided to let everyone know once the scan was OK. But still, I felt like I had no friends. Google and Baby Centre was my companion.

 

We see our midwife, who isn’t really our midwife and I come away from the appointment more confused than ever.

I always thought, that when I finally was pregnant, I would instinctively know what to do.

Turns out, I know bugger all.

 

At week 12 we have our first scan. Scary words are thrown about.

Nuchal

Dating

Genetic chromosome

Down Syndrome

You are none of these words, you are a baby

 

A picture appears.

Can you see it?

He nods his head yes

The jelly is cold, i’m laying there wondering if this isn’t all in my head

Measurements are taken

The screen is  turned

And there you are

 

My baby

Our baby

 

Two arms, two very long legs, a trait from Daddy it seems

A tubby belly and large head (that’s normal)

And a tiny heart beating like the clappers

A heart that I am, in that instant, falling in love with

 

All looks good, they are very fidgety today!

I turn so the sonographer can get a better look, and I realise I’m crying

The most wonderful tears I’ve ever cried

Your Dad is crying too, he looks so proud already

We take your picture and If we look closely, you could be waving

You are waving

You are waving to us

Telling us you are OK

 

You are actually 13 weeks and 2 days and not 12 like originally thought. 24th April is your EDD

I’m sad to think I have missed a whole week of development of you

Happy that we get to see you sooner

 

We tell everyone we care about you

Tears are shed

Congratulations shouted

What a lovely time of year to be born

That’s Easter Sunday

Your going to be wonderful Parents

 

Weeks 5-10 are now almost a distant memory

You are 13 weeks

Then 14

Then 15, 16

And now all of a sudden we are at week 17

You have fingerprints, nails and can yawn

You have a nervous system and are all rounded like a proper baby

 

My baby

Our baby

 

Always remember, when you are old enough to read this, you were always wanted

We always needed to have you

You came to us quicker than we thought

And now you are here, its like we’ve never been without you

 

I told your Dad, when we were worried about Granddad in the Summer

“Out of all bad comes good, so someone is bound to fall pregnant!”

It was said in jest

I didn’t think it would be us, or could be us

But, Boy, am I glad it is.

 

My beautiful Cub, I love you already.