Pregnant

I think I might be pregnant

What makes you think that?

My breasts are larger than normal, I’ve had spotting, I’m incredibly emotional. But my period isn’t due for two weeks.

Well maybe you’re not pregnant.

But what If I am? …

 

Turns out I was pregnant but didn’t know it. My sister guessed it before I did. I had the look of pregnancy.

Apparently.

At that point you were a cluster of cells.

That night she suggested it, I drank more than I should have done. How could I be pregnant? It can’t have been that easy for us.

 

We argued about a rocking chair, decided that maybe it wasn’t the right time to start a family.

 

Lets leave it until January, Dad will probably be much better then.

 

And that was our plan.

 

But You had made a new plan.

27th August came and went. No period. No cramps.

30th August came and went. 3 days late. A whole bank holiday Monday to think about if I was pregnant.

31st August I was definitely pregnant. Two positive tests.

 

Uncontrollable crying, convulsing with every sob. Why was I crying?

 

In my whole life, all I wanted was a baby. But this wasn’t under our terms. We were waiting until January, how did this happen?

 

I’d thought that whole time I was pregnant. But with everything in our life, I never thought I would be that lucky. I am never that lucky. You came into our lives against all odds. Against all doctors statistics, against my dodgy ovaries.

 

You are already stubborn it seems.

 

So, I think that makes you 5 weeks pregnant

Yep, when do you think this happened?

Who knows, but It was obviously meant to be our time now.

How do feel about this?

Nervous, terrified even, but I can’t take this smile off my face.

Ditto.

 

Weeks 5-10 were a blur. My most common feeling was being alone. It felt like No one was around. We decided to let everyone know once the scan was OK. But still, I felt like I had no friends. Google and Baby Centre was my companion.

 

We see our midwife, who isn’t really our midwife and I come away from the appointment more confused than ever.

I always thought, that when I finally was pregnant, I would instinctively know what to do.

Turns out, I know bugger all.

 

At week 12 we have our first scan. Scary words are thrown about.

Nuchal

Dating

Genetic chromosome

Down Syndrome

You are none of these words, you are a baby

 

A picture appears.

Can you see it?

He nods his head yes

The jelly is cold, i’m laying there wondering if this isn’t all in my head

Measurements are taken

The screen is  turned

And there you are

 

My baby

Our baby

 

Two arms, two very long legs, a trait from Daddy it seems

A tubby belly and large head (that’s normal)

And a tiny heart beating like the clappers

A heart that I am, in that instant, falling in love with

 

All looks good, they are very fidgety today!

I turn so the sonographer can get a better look, and I realise I’m crying

The most wonderful tears I’ve ever cried

Your Dad is crying too, he looks so proud already

We take your picture and If we look closely, you could be waving

You are waving

You are waving to us

Telling us you are OK

 

You are actually 13 weeks and 2 days and not 12 like originally thought. 24th April is your EDD

I’m sad to think I have missed a whole week of development of you

Happy that we get to see you sooner

 

We tell everyone we care about you

Tears are shed

Congratulations shouted

What a lovely time of year to be born

That’s Easter Sunday

Your going to be wonderful Parents

 

Weeks 5-10 are now almost a distant memory

You are 13 weeks

Then 14

Then 15, 16

And now all of a sudden we are at week 17

You have fingerprints, nails and can yawn

You have a nervous system and are all rounded like a proper baby

 

My baby

Our baby

 

Always remember, when you are old enough to read this, you were always wanted

We always needed to have you

You came to us quicker than we thought

And now you are here, its like we’ve never been without you

 

I told your Dad, when we were worried about Granddad in the Summer

“Out of all bad comes good, so someone is bound to fall pregnant!”

It was said in jest

I didn’t think it would be us, or could be us

But, Boy, am I glad it is.

 

My beautiful Cub, I love you already.

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