**Warning, this is a pity post. If you don’t want to read this, please come back later**
Have you ever had a feeling inside you that you want so deseperately gone.
At the moment i’m feeling completely left out and very alone. I feel this in my personal and work life.
To clarify, I’m very happy at home. My Husband is the most perfect person for me. He calms me when I need soothing and bucks me up with I need to get on with something. Throughout my pregnancy so far, he has been everything that I have needed.
This is not about him, this is about me and my hang ups.
I feel like at work i’m a burden. Being pregnant is a burden. I have appointments which are all necessary but I feel like its a hassel. An example of this is last week then I let them know about a midwife appointment in a few weeks time and neither my boss or my colleague replied. My colleague gets invited out to lunch with other members of our extended team and I get left out. I work on my own most of the time and when I say alone, I mean alone. I work on reception and the only time I see people is if they want something or they are going in the lift. Its been like this for 18 months since my friend was made redundant. Its really hard to be completely on your own apart from as few hours each week.When I am alone it gives me too much time to think.
I often sit and wonder why i’m not invited out to lunch, or why i’m not included in things. Is it because i’m a bitch; i’d say i’m a pretty nice woman who is there if you need her. Is it because i’m a gossip; anything you tell me doesn’t go any further than me. Am I just not likeable? I try to get involved in things, but I often get forgotten about.
Having space to think about things sometimes is the worst thing to have. It makes me wonder why I don’t have many friends.
I have about 5 really good friends. I don’t get to see them that much and it feels like since I got pregnant its even less. Am I being a burden to them by being pregnant? I don’t go out as much as I am desperately saving for the baby and Christmas is coming up. Have I become a bore?
My Mum is brilliant, she is really attentive, sometimes a little bit too much, but I understand that I am her baby, who is having a baby.
The rest of my family are OK. I don’t get to see them so much. Life just gets in the way of everything. I do feel like some members are closer to each other than I am, but that is nothing new.
I’m feeling disconnected from everyone. Hormones are not helping get perspective on these feelings.
I just want to feel like I belong. I just want to feel loved for who I am, and If you don’t like who I am then just be honest. If i’ve pissed you off then tell me.
Then I wont have to worry about what I am doing wrong and get on with my life.
I think I need to find people who are feeling like I do. I just don’t know where to start.
—This post was bought to you by a fresh batch of hormones and some long hidden anxiety