What if…

*Warning, this is a personal post about my experience with miscarriage. Please stop reading if you are find this topic difficult.*

7 years ago I had a miscarriage.

I had just split up from my boyfriend, L, and I could only have been 6 weeks along.

I remember laying on my bed and having the most awful cramps. Cramps that did not get any better with paracetamol and a hot water bottle.

I remember thinking that it wasn’t time to have my period. And then I thought nothing of it.

I took the breakup of my relationship hard. I was 19 about to turn 20 and just put the cramps down to me being upset.

Then I started to bleed. Little at first but bright red. Then it got heavier and heavier.

Clots and cramps. Cramps so bad that I’m not even sure that’s the right word for them.

Still, I just thought it was my body reacting in some way to breaking up with L.

I was 19, almost 20. What did I know.

My mum is concerned so thinks I should see our Doctor. I go to calm her worries more than anything. I still think nothing is wrong. Just my body being weird.

She tells me later she suspected a miscarriage. She has been through enough of her own to recognise the symptoms.

She was right. She wishes she wasn’t

The doctor tells me it is very common for it to happen at this early stage, particularly if you didn’t know you was pregnant, which I didn’t.

The doctor said it was protocol to send me to hospital to make sure the embryo had ‘completely gone’ and any other ‘nastiness’ with it.

It was all very clinical. I had gone from having teenage cramps to having to deal with my legs in stirrups within 36 hours.

I’d never had a smear test before or had any issues ‘down there’. This was such an alien feeling.

I was sad that something that was barely, there was gone. How silly is that.

I’ve written before about how all I wanted was to have children. Even at 19 that was true.

The embryo had indeed ‘completely gone’ but what was left was quizzical faces from the gynae team.

Something was not quite right. An ultrasound was requested and blood taken.

I’d gone from having teenage cramps to legs in stirrups to thinking about the worst possible thing that was going on inside my body within 48 hours.

Something didn’t add up. It was definitely gynecological but from the catalogue of problems in that area, what could it have been?

I’d always had heavy periods and cramps. But to be honest all my friends used to complain about the same thing, I actually thought it was normal. So I didn’t complain about it.

2 weeks later and it was confirmed that I have PCOS.

But that story is for another post.

What if, I did find out I was pregnant. Would me and L have got back together? Would it have only been because of the baby? That is the only reason we would’ve got back together.

What if, I did have the baby but not got back together with L? Would Me and Pete even be together? Would he want to be with a single Mum?

What if, I was a single Mum?

What if, that was the only child I had?

What if, I never had a miscarriage at all. Would I even be the person I am today having not gone through that experience.

What If, well, ‘what if’ to a lot of things.

I think about the baby that never was and what we would be doing 7 years on. They would be 6 and at school full-time. They would probably have dark hair and a goofy smile.

I am sad about my miscarriage. It was a horrible experience, and whenever I hear about someone having  one, it catapults me back to then.

But I’m not sad it happened. I might not have found out about my PCOS until it got more severe.

Because I had a miscarriage and found out, it means I am more able to carry Cub SAFELY right now.

I thank that baby for that.

I come from the school of thought that ‘Everything happens for a reason’.

People reading might scoff at that phrase but I truly believe that.

Something’s are just not ‘meant to be’

But you do always find yourself wondering ‘What if…’

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2 thoughts on “What if…

  1. Alison says:

    When I had a miscarriage at 9 wks about 18 months ago I had no idea how common it was (or how hard it would be to deal with)- it didn’t even cross my mind I would have one. But now I know so many women who have and still nobody talks about it, which makes me so cross. It is not silly to miss something that never was or wonder “what if”. I occasionally wonder what would have become of my butterbean who would be nearly one now – but if s/he had been born, I wouldn’t have the beautiful amazing baby I do have. And I would never want her to be undone so now I can accept what happened to me as just the way it is. XXX

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