A little piece of me.

53mm of me to be precise or 5.3 cm for you metric folk.

This little ‘mass’ has been controlling my waking thoughts and (when I get to sleep) my dreaming thoughts too.

10 days ago I went for a scan which should have been a run of the mill ‘Oh yea, your PCOS is acting up’ scan.

However, it wasn’t.

They have discovered a ‘mass’ in my cervix which could be causing my hormonal issues or could be co-incidental.

But, a mass it is. And a mass in my cervix is something that is, quite frankly, is not fucking welcome.

These last 10 days have been hell.
I went away to Birmingham with 3 people knowing the situation and forgot about it for a few hours, but I had lingering grim thoughts present.

I chose not to share on my support network as I didn’t want to re-hash what I didn’t know. But I’m sharing now as I just need reality to kick me up the arse.

I’ve gone from positive outbursts of it being a stupid fibroid which basically is just a nuisance, to arranging my funeral music, because I want to make sure the right version of ‘Be My Baby’ is played.

It’s the Lightning Seeds version if you’re interested.

I’ve had tremendous gallows humour and I’ve done the very ugly crying thing when I’ve been cuddling James at night.

My James.
As much as I’ve tried to keep away my feelings from him, children are not stupid. He knows his Mum Mum is not right. What if this mass affects my fertility? What if I can’t give him a brother or Sister?

Whatever this mass is (I am referring to it as a fuckwit) we will find out what it is in 2 weeks.
Biopsy was done today by an amazing consultant and MRI is next week.

I will always be an advocate for the NHS and if these 10 days are anything to go by, and it is worst case scenario, then the fuckwit won’t know what’s hit it.

I am laying in bed, trying not to shake and trying to be calm.

But I’m not, I’m terrified.

Even if this is something benign etc, it has changed me. Its made me realise that even on my weak moments, I am bloody strong. I have realised how much I love the people I love and how on earth would I get by without them.

And I’ve learnt it’s ok to be scared.

I’m not looking for sympathy, I’m not looking for you to be nice, I just don’t want to hide anymore.

The fuckwit will not win.

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9 thoughts on “A little piece of me.

  1. snafflesmummy says:

    oh Fran, sending you wine and chocolate and so many hugs. All my thoughts are with you and hoping you get some positive results soon.

  2. mugofdecaf says:

    What a terrifying time for you! Well done for being able to relax a little last weekend, and for staying so strong against fuckwit. Sending love xxx

  3. Hannah says:

    Dear sweet frannie I wish I’d have known as I would have hugged the shit out of you last weekend and subsequently the fuckwit would have gone ‘yikes! This woman is loved far too much and I’m gonna skidaddle’
    No wonder you’ve been feeling down. Sending lots of positive thoughts
    Xxxxxxxx

  4. @helenw71 says:

    You are being so brave in posting this, I’m so proud of you. You really are at the hardest point – not fully knowing what you’re facing. Take each step as it comes is my best advice.

    You are strong and The Fuckwit will not win. I nicknamed my fibroid Fergus, the little fecker – it bizzarely helps to name them! Sending you lots of love and you know you have my support whenever and however you need it.

    Hxx

    PS I really hope it doesn’t, but if it does affect your fertility I have a reassuring article on the benefits of being an only child. It helped me come to terms with the guilt and worry of Lia being an only child. xxxx

  5. mothergeek1 says:

    Twinnie, you are officially in the bad books. 😉
    Keeping this quiet was mean lol. There are a zillion people who want to give you squishy hugs, but have to do it via cyberspace. I am crossing everything that the fuckwit is something & nothing. Please please remember we are here to vent to. Sending you big iHugs…!! Xxxxxx

  6. Jenny paulin says:

    Oh no I have missed all this. It must be very scary and daunting time for you all at the moment. You sound like a fighter so stay strong for James and kick the ‘fuckwit’ hard up its arse!!
    Sending you a mashoooooooosive (hug) x x

  7. Ah no, this is shit to have to deal with. I hope the next couple I weeks fly by, the waiting can be so difficult. It’s hard to know what to say without being patronising or blasé. Will be keeping fingers and toes crossed all will be ok. Loves and hugs x x

  8. hi there how did you go? I had a fibroid the same size and shrunk it through diet. let me know if you are interested in more information. fibroidjourney.blogspot.com.au Don’t worry you are not alone. I know what you are going through and there are solutions out there. 🙂

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