53mm of me to be precise or 5.3 cm for you metric folk.
This little ‘mass’ has been controlling my waking thoughts and (when I get to sleep) my dreaming thoughts too.
10 days ago I went for a scan which should have been a run of the mill ‘Oh yea, your PCOS is acting up’ scan.
However, it wasn’t.
They have discovered a ‘mass’ in my cervix which could be causing my hormonal issues or could be co-incidental.
But, a mass it is. And a mass in my cervix is something that is, quite frankly, is not fucking welcome.
These last 10 days have been hell.
I went away to Birmingham with 3 people knowing the situation and forgot about it for a few hours, but I had lingering grim thoughts present.
I chose not to share on my support network as I didn’t want to re-hash what I didn’t know. But I’m sharing now as I just need reality to kick me up the arse.
I’ve gone from positive outbursts of it being a stupid fibroid which basically is just a nuisance, to arranging my funeral music, because I want to make sure the right version of ‘Be My Baby’ is played.
It’s the Lightning Seeds version if you’re interested.
I’ve had tremendous gallows humour and I’ve done the very ugly crying thing when I’ve been cuddling James at night.
As much as I’ve tried to keep away my feelings from him, children are not stupid. He knows his Mum Mum is not right. What if this mass affects my fertility? What if I can’t give him a brother or Sister?
Whatever this mass is (I am referring to it as a fuckwit) we will find out what it is in 2 weeks.
Biopsy was done today by an amazing consultant and MRI is next week.
I will always be an advocate for the NHS and if these 10 days are anything to go by, and it is worst case scenario, then the fuckwit won’t know what’s hit it.
I am laying in bed, trying not to shake and trying to be calm.
But I’m not, I’m terrified.
Even if this is something benign etc, it has changed me. Its made me realise that even on my weak moments, I am bloody strong. I have realised how much I love the people I love and how on earth would I get by without them.
And I’ve learnt it’s ok to be scared.
I’m not looking for sympathy, I’m not looking for you to be nice, I just don’t want to hide anymore.
The fuckwit will not win.