Mrs. Crimp, do you want to come through? Change into this gown and take a seat on the blue chair.
*Hurriedly changes in thread bare gown just covering bum*
Right, Mrs. Crimp
Oh you can call me Fran, Mrs. Crimp is my Mother in Law.
Ok, Fran, I’m gonna put a canula in so we can do a contrast scan or if you faint we can bring you round quickly, ha-ha.
*turns a shade of green*
*led into a room which basically houses a giant washing machine but with a bed and pillow instead of a door*
Would you like the headphones? We can play the radio if you like?
Ooh yea, please, do you have Absolute?
Yea, I think we can sort that. Just lie back and relax, here’s your panic button.
*Relax and panic. Nice*
Ok we’re going to start, here’s the music.
*pushed in until body is covered but face is shown*
*LeAnn Rimes starts playing*
Inner monologue- I didn’t know they played LeAnn Rimes on Absolute. Huh.
Ok, sorry were gonna have to start again, do you have any piercings on your abdomen.
No surgery or shrapnel?
Am I sure I’ve not had any surgery or shrapnel? Yea, pretty sure.
Ok, let’s try this again. Radio going on.
*Celine fucking Dion is playing*
Inner monologue – OK, if this is Absolute, then this is shit. And I want my iPod.
Ok, sorry, one last time are you sure there aren’t piercings or maybe diamonte on your knickers?
No, I’ve got my normal knickers on.
Ok, were gonna have to change the pad your laying on as it’s not picking up your left side.
Eh? What’s that mean? That means cancer doesn’t it. Oh Jesus, its so big you can’t see it properly. Oh God.
Erm, no, no, no, no its the machine, it has a fault sometimes, it’s fine. Honestly.
*heart rate is probably 10000/80*
Ok, lets try this again. Radio going on.
*Queen’s I want to break free, starts playing*
Inner Monologue – Frigging Irony.