I’ve really struggled with this post, but I need to write it to because I need to get it out of my head and to let myself grieve for this particular element and try and move on.
When I was first diagnosed with cervical cancer, one of the main things that came into consideration was my fertility. I have always had questionable fertility and when I miscarried and had a PCOS diagnosis, it was apparently so severe that, I was told to think about a partial hysterectomy.
I obviously never went through with it and after a radical change in diet and lifestyle, I was lucky enough to not suffer too much with the symptoms of PCOS.
We were always told that it could be difficult to conceive and that we might need assistance (this phrase always made me laugh – were they going to watch us do it?).
When we decided to start ‘trying’ for a baby, we were remarkably lucky. In fact we were so lucky that I fell pregnant on our first ‘go’, so to speak.
I count my blessings everyday, even on those bad tantrum days, that we have an amazing little boy. He defied odds, he very nearly wasn’t here at all if I had followed that doctors advice.
I had a very good pregnancy (I am one of those annoying ones who enjoyed being pregnant) and the birth was just how I wanted it.
Pete and I (knowing full well that we might not be as lucky if we were to try again) always spoke about ‘Well when we have a girl…’ or ‘For baby number 2…’. We had even chosen a few names. I was determined to have a girl next time round.
But now, now it all seems so surreal. We had ALWAYS talked about having another child. A little sister for Jim Jam, or would I be destined to have a houseful of boys?
With the course of radiotherapy I will receive, I will go through an early menopause. In my Macmillan book it describes it as having hot flushes and no periods, therefore you will not fall pregnant.
Mr Hollingworth discussed with us about the prospect of ovum collection before starting treatment in the hope that some day we would be able to have another child of our own, via IVF.
I think what really makes you realise how connected you are in a relationship, and how you know exactly what the other person is thinking, is not necessarily the words that come out of your mouth, but rather the things that are not said.
I looked at my Husband and he at me and with a knowing smile, we decided in silence that we were not going to go through with egg collection. We both knew we would be pushing my luck if we were to halt treatment by 6 weeks. We are so truly blessed to have our boy.
In some ways it was the easiest decision to make but it doesn’t make it any less heartbreaking.
And, I know it technically doesn’t mean the end of our baby days. I know there is fostering or adoption, but….that is such an overwhelming option that I can’t even think about it, yet.
Of course, we have spoken about it at length, but we always end the conversation the same way. We are so lucky to have our Son and each other.
So, I am grieving. I am grieving for the fact that my body will not carry a child again. My body did so well to give me my baby, and now I have to pay it back.
I just wish I could pay it back another way.