Oh baby.

I’ve really struggled with this post, but I need to write it to because I need to get it out of my head and to let myself grieve for this particular element and try and move on.

When I was first diagnosed with cervical cancer, one of the main things that came into consideration was my fertility. I have always had questionable fertility and when I miscarried and had a PCOS diagnosis, it was apparently so severe that, I was told to think about a partial hysterectomy.
I obviously never went through with it and after a radical change in diet and lifestyle, I was lucky enough to not suffer too much with the symptoms of PCOS.
We were always told that it could be difficult to conceive and that we might need assistance (this phrase always made me laugh – were they going to watch us do it?).
When we decided to start ‘trying’ for a baby, we were remarkably lucky. In fact we were so lucky that I fell pregnant on our first ‘go’, so to speak.

I count my blessings everyday, even on those bad tantrum days, that we have an amazing little boy. He defied odds, he very nearly wasn’t here at all if I had followed that doctors advice.
I had a very good pregnancy (I am one of those annoying ones who enjoyed being pregnant) and the birth was just how I wanted it.

Pete and I (knowing full well that we might not be as lucky if we were to try again) always spoke about ‘Well when we have a girl…’ or ‘For baby number 2…’. We had even chosen a few names. I was determined to have a girl next time round.

But now, now it all seems so surreal. We had ALWAYS talked about having another child. A little sister for Jim Jam, or would I be destined to have a houseful of boys?

With the course of radiotherapy I will receive, I will go through an early menopause. In my Macmillan book it describes it as having hot flushes and no periods, therefore you will not fall pregnant.

Mr Hollingworth discussed with us about the prospect of ovum collection before starting treatment in the hope that some day we would be able to have another child of our own, via IVF.

I think what really makes you realise how connected you are in a relationship, and how you know exactly what the other person is thinking, is not necessarily the words that come out of your mouth, but rather the things that are not said.

I looked at my Husband and he at me and with a knowing smile, we decided in silence that we were not going to go through with egg collection. We both knew we would be pushing my luck if we were to halt treatment by 6 weeks. We are so truly blessed to have our boy.

In some ways it was the easiest decision to make but it doesn’t make it any less heartbreaking.

And, I know it technically doesn’t mean the end of our baby days. I know there is fostering or adoption, but….that is such an overwhelming option that I can’t even think about it, yet.

Of course, we have spoken about it at length, but we always end the conversation the same way. We are so lucky to have our Son and each other.

So, I am grieving. I am grieving for the fact that my body will not carry a child again. My body did so well to give me my baby, and now I have to pay it back.

I just wish I could pay it back another way.


7 thoughts on “Oh baby.

  1. (((Hugs)))
    Cub is going to be overwhelmed with the amount of love you & Pete will shower him with, Twinnie!
    He will want for nothing, and he will grow so big and so beautiful that the space you’d reserved in your heart for baby number 2 will very soon be stuffed to capacity with all the love you have for cubbalub! Xxx

  2. angela says:

    (((((more hugs)))))) Getting pregnant and having babies was something I so took for granted that in a million years I can not even start to understand how you feel right now. I do know that James will grow up surrounded by people that love him, a million cousins and second cousins to play with as well as a whole heap of friends. At the end of the day Fran you and Pete had to make the choice that was right for you and you have done that with amazing courage and strength. Love you so much Fran but please can you stop making me blubber with your blogs !!!!!!!

  3. @helenw71 says:

    My little smokey bacon crisp, this is such a heartbreaking post to read – life can be very cruel sometimes.

    I can empathise to a point – for about 10 years we too thought we’ d never have a child because of my health & then felt blessed beyond belief when Lia arrived. We were also given 48 hours to make a choice – though it wasn’t really a choice at all as there was only one sensible option (even though in my case it wasn’t a life threatening problem that I was facing). There is a lot of disparity in our situations though – I’m 41, in poor health & we hadn’t planned more. You’re young & had hoped for a bigger family.

    I can honestly say that even having said all of that above about it being the logical choice, it was still one of the hardest decisions I’ve had to make – I’m in tears as I write, it’s still that raw and this is 3 months on. It’s that the possibility, the choice has been removed. Every pregnancy announcement, every bump photo is bittersweet – I’m pleased for my friends/family, but a little sad for us too. And I feel all of this without planning more children, it must be that bit harder for you, especially when you’ve got a Fight Against Fuckwit underway too.

    I hope this isn’t coming across as a “woe is me” comment, but I just wanted you to know that there are areas and emotions I can truly understand. And I guess what I’m also trying to say is that if you feel you need help coming to terms with it all either now or in the future please let your support team know. Both the professionals and your friends.

    And in terms of Jim Jam, he couldn’t be loved more. I think the image of the lonely only child is a myth these days – he will be surrounded by love & friends.
    Love you lots,

  4. Your boy is so so loved, and it’s do obvious to see in your writing and every day tweets. For someone who couldnt have babies your body did amazingly and it will again to fight this thing. I hope you are ok, sending you lots of love x

  5. Marianne bennett says:

    OMG……I don’t know what to say except I am sitting on my sofa in floods of tears. This is such a heartfelt blog and to be completely honest I just don’t know what to say, you are one amazingly brave lady, and I couldn’t even begin to imagine what you are going through. Even if I had 10 happy healthy children, when that option to have another is taken away from you you, it must be like someone has stamped on your heart. James is adorable and he is a extremely lucky boy to have parents like you and Pete. I’m sending much love to you guys, was lovely to see you both on Monday, just wish it was under better circumstances. Take care Fran, I know you have a million and one things on you plate bit would love to meet up with the kiddies in the new year if your up to it! M xx

  6. Becky Perkins says:

    Beautiful blog. I too am blessed with a beautiful girl after 5 long years of ivf and a few failed attempts. Age got the better of me but my house will always be filled with love as I have got friends that have not been as Lucky as me. Thank you and enjoy your family good luck for the future x

  7. Terri says:

    Hello Fran, you don’t know me personally but I’m a friend of Suzan’s and have just read your blog, I won’t lie I was in tears reading it but just wanted to tell you that by just reading your story I can tell you are going to kick this ‘fuckwit’ and show it who’s boss. GOOD FOR YOU GIRL!

    Good luck hun and I look forward to reading your success story in the very near future.xxxx

    *I hope you don’t mind me leaving you this message*

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