For now….

Dear James,

Tomorrow Mama finishes her cancer treatment. I am both elated and scared by this fact.
Tomorrow, I have my last general anesethic for my last brachytherapy treatment. It will be 3 in total and three times I have done the same thing the night before. I have held you before you go to bed and I have sobbed into your hair. I tell you that no matter what, I am your Mama and that I love you more than you could ever know. You look at me with your chocolate button eyes and say ‘Na’niiight’.

Throughout this whole experience I have tried to shield you from my crying or my anger. I think I have done a good job of protecting you, but I never worry about crying in front of you at these times because, it just shows you how much I love you. If I never woke up tomorrow, I hope on some level you knew how much I love you.

You have been my little star these past 8 weeks. You have dealt with this upheaval so well, it makes you far older than the tiny 20 months you are.

You are saying so many words now, some with a northern inflection and even some sentences. Caaakes and Haats are my favourite words of yours.
You just love to be part of the crowd. Centre of attention if you like. You tickle and do the tickling noises too.
And you are tantruming like a gooden. You’ve definitely kept me grounded these last few weeks.

We’ve had such fun these last couple of days in the snow, you’re so independent, it hurts.

You have curls and curls and curls. You could almost be a girl, if it wasn’t for the fact you look so much like a boy.

Now were venturing to the next step. Its a bit uncertain and i’m not afraid to say i’m worried, but please stay as you are, my darling. Your amazing love has got me through.

I am so proud of the little gentleman you are becoming. I hope that one day, when you sit down to read these letters, you can say you are proud of your dear old Mum. Its been far from easy, but you make it a smoother journey.

I love you with everything I have.

Snowy Boy

Snowy Boy

Keep growing strong,


8 thoughts on “For now….

  1. julesey10 says:

    He is an angel and you’re still my hero darling girl. You’re amazing and an inspiration. Much love for tomorrow and will be waiting to hear from your lovely gent once ur awake and ok. Lots of hugs and kisses xxxxxxxxx

  2. Shirley ling says:

    Hope all goes well tomorrow you can then get on with enjoying your beautiful little man you are such a brave young woman I’m sure your family are so very proud of you xx

  3. Rita capon-stuart says:

    Darling sister’ , I have been following you throughout the past 8 weeks, you have been inspirational ,brave and amazing.i am so proud of you. Tomorrow will be the last hurdle to your treatment. You will be fine, maybe a little sick, ( understatement) like your big sis, but you will get better. James is a very luck boy, to have such a wonderful mummy, he will be proud of you, however, you are going to be around to tell him all about it. I love you and pray for you. Together, we will fight and beat this xxx

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