I am perusing the vitamin aisle in Boots, picking up tablets that Pete will never take, when I come across the menopause supplements and ask for some advice.

Fran: Hello, can you tell me, I’m taking the Menopace tabs, is there much difference in those against the Boots ones because they are much cheaper?
Helpful Girl: Oh Erm, is this for your Mum?
F: No, I’m taking them. Menopace are very expensive though.
HG: Well you’ll need to seek medical advice first, you might just have PMT. *Laughs*
F: Er, well yea my doc says it’s early menopause so I’m trying to get any help I can to beat these flushes *as if right on cue a flush happens leaving head and neck crimson*
HG: *stares*
F: Look, I have cancer, it’s given me early menopause so I just want to know if the Boots brand is the same.
HG: *shocked face* Oh. OH. I’m, I’m so sorry.
F: It’s alright, but now can you let me know which is better? *waves boxes*
HG: Erm, oh I don’t know. Erm, shall I get the pharmacist. Hang on. I’m so sorry.
F: It’s ok, I’ll stick with Menopace for now.

I left feeling so guilty. That poor girl probably thought I was a bit dim wanting Menopause assisting tablets, but instead I shocked her because I am actually too young to be going through this shit.

Don’t worry, Boots Lady, It’s something that I can’t get my head around either.

Now I wonder if I said Menopace enough times to get some free…


Mum Mum’s Day

Dear Mum-Mum,

I’ve been thinking about what to write to you for a few days.

We tell each other every day that we love each other.

Either when I am running out the door to work whilst you take awesome care of my boy, or in a little text when you tell me to have a good day, you always end it with ‘LOVE YOU LOADS XXX’.

It is almost always in capitals, because despite the fact that you have an advanced smart phone and a Nexus 7 tablet, that caps lock button still alludes you.

You’ve been a Mummy now for a very long time, I won’t divulge to the readers just how long because in your head you are still 21 and in fact you’ve ‘adjusted’ your year of birth so much you can’t really remember anyway. But don’t worry about that. Whenever I tell people about your age, they are always so shocked. You are such a whizz of a woman, never stopping to sit down for a min, always on the go.

You are however old enough to be a Grandmother. Nothing pleases you more than having all your Grandchildren around, causing mayhem and a noise level that worries environmental health. You are a nutty Nanny and I know for a fact that James thinks youre hilarious with your northern twang, changing the words he’s learning. And Jack will always have you as the Nanny who asked him ‘If he took it in the mouth’ when asking about Communion. Just writing that has made me laugh.

I think having Grandchildren has made you younger because you can be certain as hell your actual children have aged you!

You are also Mum to lots of people who aren’t actually your children. You take them under your wing and look after them when there Mum’s aren’t around. Mummy Jackie was a phrase I know loads of my friends used when I was younger, and even by them now, despite most of us having our own children now.

Mum, you are a lovely lady, even though it does take you over 2 hours to do a food shop, in the same supermarket you have been to for the last 10 years. And we all love you in despite of the fact you have a psychotic cat which you refuse to have re-homed and will quite openly talk to the birds in the trees (a trait which James has inherited, thanks for that). You feed the foxes every night ‘Just in case they get hungry’, and you never forget anyone’s birthday. Even that one person, who, ‘Y’know, yes you know him, I told you about them, the one who lives next door to so and so and is the son of blah blah’. You even send them a card.

You’ve gone through a lot of heartbreak in your life and you’ve watched all your children at some point go through turmoil that you just wish you put on yourself. Now that I am a Mum I realise how much you want to take your child’s pain away.

I saw it in your eyes when you watched my have Chemotherapy. You would have traded places in an instant if you could.

But because you couldn’t do that, you did what you always did. You were just Mum.

You are the best Mum-Mum I could ever want. You helped me more than you could ever know.

Happy Mother’s Day to my wonderful Mum, Jackie.

If I am half the Mother you are, then James is gonna have his work cut out when we go food shopping.

That's me and my Mum, that is.

That’s me and my Mum, that is.