Wake up

I am walking down the street. James is about 4 baby steps ahead.
He turns to me and smiles. ‘Mummay, get me, get me’. ‘Mummy is too tired to run’. ‘I’ll get you Jim Jam’, shouts Pete.

We reach the park and I fall into a heap in the soft grass. ‘Mummay, get me, get me!!’. ‘Mummy, just needs a minute sweetheart’

Swings and roundabouts, climbing frames and slides. Being thrown in the air to that point where you think you’ll never get back down to earth again.

A slow slope down the hill where cold drinks and crisps await.
We reach the top of the stairs, it seems like I’ve reached a summit. An accomplishment each time I reach the front door.

You take a step in and it happens.
‘We need to go to hospital, there’s not much time. Lets drop James at Giu’s, like we rehearsed’
‘Really? You sure?’

Time flies passed as though it’s going to a soundtrack. Hours are condensed to 3 minutes.

Sweaty beads are mapping your body, pooling in crevices.
‘C’mon, 3 more and she’s here’

She’s is indeed here. A carbon copy of her brother. The wrinkle in the hand that comes from 9 months immersion in water. The puffy pinkness of skin next to your own tender, weary flesh.

A look up and glimpse of a big brother charging through the ward, coming to assert dominance and query love.

But before he has chance, people are rushing, he’s picked up in a sea of people.
Frantic, everyone is frantic.
Alarms are going off, the girl is grappled from me by an unknown face.
‘There’s been a mistake, she is not for you’
‘She is mine, I’ve had her, SHE IS MINE!’
I’m pulled back by wires all of a sudden, as if I’m being attacked by electrical appliances.
‘Tell them she’s mine’ I beg ‘I need my girl’.
But instead I’m flung on the bed which is now being dragged backwards and it all fades to black.

Moments later I’m hovering, I’m watching myself.

A body, scarred by child birth, cancer, overindulgence.
It takes a minute and I realise. I need to wake up.

Wake up


The rapid shallow breathing, summon dizziness. Those pool of sweat are real.

Another night.
Another nightmare.

And so it goes.


Cervical Screening Awareness Week – The bits you didn’t see.

So I was on that there Daybreak this morning!

I will write a more in depth blog about my experience ‘On Set’, but in response to the feedback I had today, I decided to be on tape a little bit more today, and make the most of my TV make up.

EVERYBODY wanted to see a bit more of me this morning…which is nice init.

So here is a bit about what I wanted to say…and also to prove i’m not as fat as the Daybreak camera’s made me out to be.


Now, go book that smear.


I’ve been given an amazing opportunity.
It’s all happened very quickly and I still don’t quite believe it’s happening at all.

At the beginning of the year I made a little resolution to myself to make more women aware of cervical screening. Help women get away from the stigma of getting there Hoo-Ha’s checked out.
I was going to do this via my blog, random monthly reminders via Twitter and Facebook ‘Get your cervix checked, Today!’.

I got a call on Thursday after responding to a media request and spoke to Maddy at Jo’s Trust for 20 mins, who told me she’d like to put me forward to speak on Daybreak.

Y’know, the morning programme, with the legend that is Lorraine Kelly.

Holy moly.

And since then it’s been a whirlwind.
Today they are coming to our home to film a segment (cue massive cleaning, the likes of which hasn’t been done since I was nesting) and then tomorrow at silly o’clock I’m going to the studio to actually speak LIVE.

*voms a little*

I am so pleased I can help Jo’s Trust to raise awareness, lord knows it’s so important that more women know the difference screening like this is.

I guess I’m nervous because although I write strongly and come across bolshy and in control, I am in fact a tiny lady in this big bad world. Do I have what it takes to convince women to get a smear or act on something not right. Or get a Man to let the women in his life know its nothing to be ashamed of to sort there vagina out?

Oh god, am I gonna have to say VAGINA on breakfast TV?!

And you’re all going to see how fat I am and how common I sound?!?!

Fuck it. If I get just one woman pick up the phone to her doctors to book a smear, then I think that’s a good job done.

Wish me luck.