I’m only sleeping

Before becoming a Mum and indeed a brief period in between giving birth and getting cancer, I could call myself a champion sleeper.
Epic napper. Could fall asleep on a clothes line that one. I’m my Mum’s favourite because I was a wonderful sleeper as baby. Loves my sleep I do.

So with the presence of a Son who clearly thinks sleeping is for chumps (in many years time, I have no doubt this will be the boy that will have the school of thought that ‘eating is cheating’ when he goes out drinking, such is his way) and a life sentence which begs to be thought about all the buggering time, sleep sometimes always eludes me.

In the deep of the night, everything is worse. Heartbeats beat louder. That shadow behind the door could well be a Luther-esque fetish murderer. Foxes are at it. All. The. Funking. Time.

It’s hard to remain rational when no one is awake to back you up.

Below is just a selection of the conversation I had with myself. For clarity the ‘rational’ part of my brain is in italics.

Right, stop fucking about and go to sleep

Nooooo, lets think about death. We haven’t thought about death in agggeeess

Yea, well I don’t want to think about death. Death is stupid.

You’re stupid

We’re not going to talk about death!

Ok, babies. Lets have a baby.

Oh for Gods Sake. How many times. We can’t have them remember?

But, how do you know that? We might? What if you’re a medical marvel? What if your womb is amazing and decided to tuck itself up to protect itself?

Lalalalala I’m not listening

Think about it.

Lalalalalalala I’m not listening

Go on, lets see if your vajayjay is working?

Lalala hang on. What if you’re on to something

Seeeee, you could have one. Do It!


Well, look who changed there mind.

No, hang on. Dr Powell said that there was deffo no room for babies.

Not even with Pete’s super sperm?

Not even with Superman’s Super Sperm



Do you think that shadow looks a bit like a a rapist?

I think I’ll put the lamp on now.

I’m bored.

Me too

Shall we do an imaginary wedding, made up of things on Pinterest?

Erm, ok then

Who is our Groom today?

Gary Lightbody?

Hell yes.



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