There’s lot of things happening in the world of Crimp. Changes yet again in our little world. Never people to ebb and flow, we are once again flying by the seat of our pants. More on that to come soon.
I’ve been struggling. Really struggling. Outwardly I look alright. Tired perhaps, working hard will do that to you. But inwardly, my heart is heavy. It’s being crushed by anxiety. It’s physically dragging me down. I caught a glimpse the other day and I saw that I was slouched and aimless. My awesome posture long gone.
Timehop is both a blessing and a curse. It’s reminding me of the little things that inevitably bring me to my 1st anniversary. Little nuisances of unbearable pain from what would have been my last ever period, to the slow wait to have my scan on the 2nd October. I’ve deleted and re-installed the app, my own form of torture I think.
I am dreading the 2nd of November. It can’t possibly be nearly a year since my life, our life changed completely.
Is it really only a year? I’ve aged far more than that.
The brink of tears has been ever more present of late; sometimes I let them come. Tumbling from my eyes like they are trying to escape my inner hell.
Sometimes I can blink away and move on and get on with whatever spreadsheet happens to be open.
I’ve been looking for peace, even for just a little while.
My Mum, an awesome present finder, once gave me a pouch with some little stones which, on each one, has wish, love and hope on them. Somehow, I lost the hope stone and at the time I laughed. Of course I lost hope, what the fuck was my life going to entail!
Today, I changed my hand bag and whilst clearing it of the 40,000 receipts and other toddler debris most mothers carry, and there tucked into a corner pocket, I found this…
Of late, I’ve really found it difficult to comprehend anything to happen for a reason, and my faith really has taken a beating, but I’m trying, really trying to see this as a turning point.
Someone, somewhere wanted me to find my hope again.
A sign. Lets hope I can let it back in.