Dreaming

I dream about my Dad often, he always crops up at some point. He’s loitering in the background. Sometimes he’s trying to get my attention. Other times he’s just watching, like he’s observing what’s going on.
I never hear his voice; I can’t remember it enough to recreate it. He was in my dream last night, sitting on a chair, nursing a drink and cigarette in hand. As I walked in he looked up.
The beam that came across his face was like looking at my own smile. The creases in his mouth and his heavy set frown. I could have traced them for hours.

He set down his drink and stubbed out his cigarette.
His immaculate suit falls into place with a shirt that was proud to be pink and there, neatly folded in his breast pocket, a purple silk handkerchief.

He looks at me and suddenly I could be four years old again with my arms around his neck.
An overwhelming need to smell him comes over me but there is nothing there. No scent or warmth.
He puts me down with one last crushing cuddle.

He steps me aside and walks out the room and my heart, although fractured, is pleased he was ever there at all.

You can read so much into this. Interpretation is so vast and you can either take a positive or mould it into a negative.
I used to be the eternal optimist but recent events have ripped that ability from me. The belief of seeing a positive in everything is such a great one to have.
It doesn’t take a psychic to inform me the reason why My Dad wanted to see me. Tomorrow I have my one year check for crying out loud.

But this was a comfort more than frightening and I truly believe (get the straight jacket on standby) that the reason he walked out of the room and didn’t sit back down is because he wasn’t coming to take me away from my world yet.

Or maybe he was in the wrong room.

Who knows? I don’t believe in much anymore. I lost my faith back In that consultants room that bleak November morning. I lost my positivity a few weeks back and have been clawing back ever since.
Love, that is what sees me through.

Whatever it means, whatever that dream holds, I’m just glad he came to visit.

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One thought on “Dreaming

  1. You write so well Fran.I’ll be thinking of you tomorrow & I hope you get the answer we all hope you do.For what it’s worth, I think you are right with your first theory xx

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