I’m not really into believing things at the moment; I don’t really have much faith anymore which is a shame, I’m jealous of people who take comfort in their faith.
However, I do believe that there is something ‘out there’. I have to think that way, I’ve lost too many people to think that there isn’t a place in the sky, bundling them altogether.
In my head, they are having tea and crumpets with lashings of butter (everyone loves butter in my heaven and maintaining weight isn’t an issue) and they would be free to come and go as they please.
They might visit us from time to time in the form of imaginary friends to children. Pretty sure that’s who James is chatting to when he’s playing. A person no longer with us, but it’s someone who loves him. He’s always happy and contented, I’m almost overwhelmed with calmness that it could be his Grandad chatting with him or my Evie entertaining my boy. I want to believe that it could be someone who didn’t have much or no time with him on Earth so they are making up for it now.
I know, I know, it’s an out there theory with no evidence blah blah blah but it’s the only thing that gives me comfort at the moment and the only ‘faith’ I can summon.
And yes, this is all heightened by my appointment tomorrow; for my last jaunt to the hospital, My Dad came to see me. I know this is probably my brain trying to protect me/ trying to calm my nerves/ trying to quell the nausea going round and round (delete as applicable). But last night I had another ‘visit’. It can’t really be called a visit, I didn’t see who it was and I could have quite easily have squeezed my own shoulder in my sleep (I’m quite handsey in my sleepy state, apparently) but when I was dreaming about sitting in the waiting room that I could tell you all about in precise detail from the leaflets spouting Macmillan services to the brass instruments hanging from the ceiling to the painted over windows overlooking the square which always has a digger in it, I asked if I was going to be ok. I asked it to no one in particular, I just asked the question. In return I got a shoulder grab and even though I turned my head as quickly as I could, I didn’t see who it was.
But that’s ok. That’s enough.
I believe a little bit more.
Now, where’s that straight jacket?