To be or not to be…now I have my answer

15 months…check. Boom.

Today I had the pleasure of meeting Dr L (damn I knew I should have name checked you!) who after introducing herself, promptly told me how much she liked my bag. The Mulberry had its first hospital outing today.

We chatted for a bit and the usual questions came up;
‘Bowel ok?’
‘Yep’
‘Bladder?’
‘Well, actually, the urgency to go for a wee is a bit more now but manageable’. She explained how this was a lasting effect of the radiotherapy I had and completely normal. Also doesn’t help that I have had a baby and any Mama knows your wee patterns are never quite the same after you have had your little darling…

It was then time for the main event…the physical examination.
Whilst chatting about how cheeky our ‘threenagers’ are especially when it comes to ratting you out about your alcohol consumption, Dr L, did a thorough internal (which still has me wincing despite all the treatment I have encountered – you never get used to a doctor with a plastic tool up your hoo-haa) and made a couple of comments (which I will spare you dear readers, but it was very reassuring) and gave me the delightful news that the fuckwit, cervical cancer, was still being kept at bay…for another 3 months at least.

Boo – fucking – ya! 15 Month check – nailed it.

And actually breathe again and nearly pass out from holding it in.

Throughout my appointments, throughout all the questions I am asked by doctors, nurses and other medical professionals, there is one question I have been been too scared to ask. I’ve not wanted to know why because knowing would take the last smidge of hope away.
But today, today I had the courage to ask because I need to move on to the next part of my life and stop tormenting myself.

I sat with a tissue in my hand, my head concentrating on my lap and with Dr L leaning forward to try and hear what I wanted say through the tears already falling from my eyes.

‘I know I can’t have anymore children, but I want to know why’

I know its a silly question, we know why, but I needed to know in black and white. I needed the facts, however hard it is to hear.

‘There are two parts; part one your ovaries would have been in the radiation field and therefore the eggs would be damaged; part two your womb would also have been in that area and not able to accommodate a baby’

As soon as she said that, it was as if a weight was was lifted.
A simple clarity to assist in dissipating a lifetime of heartache.
That horrible thing your body does, tricking you into thinking something could be happening because you recognise a niggle that ‘ooo might possibly’ be ovulation pain…can be just swept aside now.

We have a very amazing friend, so amazing that she offered to be a surrogate for Pete and I, but now, knowing what I do now about my eggs, its made it easier for that decision to be discounted, but be forever in her debt for thinking of doing something so selfless.
Even Dr L got a bit emotional about that. I love Dr L. She’s a Mama. She knows.

So the next step…maybe now we can actually talk about the next step. Whatever that maybe.

And maybe now I can take some comfort in the fact that I might not carry anymore children, but I am here and I am well.

Once the tears have dried of course.

To be or not to be…now I have my answer.

13….14

Dear James,

Your 3rd New Years Eve is upon us and tonight we say good bye to 2013.

What a tough year its been my gorgeous little boy. But we’ve had some brilliant times as well.

No, you’re cheeky!

This year you have come on in leaps and bounds. You continue to amaze us with your speech (even making new words and phrases which just melt me on the spot). You really show your caring side, just today you tucked me up on the sofa with the blanket and clutched my face and gave me a proper puckered up kiss (not like the face slobbering ones you usually do) and told me to ‘Sweep well Mummeh’. I could have cried when you said that, you just know how to perk me up.

You have discovered Superheroes this year with your favourites being Iron Man and Captain America. You declare that you are Iron Man, Daddy is ‘Capin Merica and Mummy is Hulk’. I can only assume that is because you don’t like to see me angry rather than the greenish hue you see me in. Ahem.
But you also think Katie Perry is Mummy too, so I can’t really complain.

Rockets and Space are also your favourite things.

James you had your first proper haircut in 2013, which made Mummy weep but it just made you more handsome (if that was possible) and look so grown up it was as if you aged 3 years right in front of my eyes.
It still has a mind of it’s own and I just know that in a few short years, you’ll want to shave it all off to control it, so forgive me when you look back at photos of yourself with unruly hair, I just wanted to keep you small for as long as possible.

DANCING! Oh how you love to dance. You walk around with tippy toes; I am so tempted to sign you up for dance classes! You just LOVE music. Saban (Kasabian) is one of your favourite band and Pharell Williams ‘Happy’ takes you to your happy place. Its a joy to watch you dance. And yes, you still dance with me. ‘Dance me Mummeh?’

You are learning your alphabet at the moment but you love to count too, although you appear to be superstitious already and refuse to say 13. Just as well we are going into 2014. And now you are starting to use your imagination when you play with your little characters and especially Dave Minion.

I think you could be a leftie…

We’ve had days out and visited lots of people. You met loads of new people too and charmed them all with your fantastic smile.
You’ve also been a complete and utter….tinker. You really know how to push Mummy and Daddy’s buttons and boy, do you do that on a regular basis.

James you are stubborn as you are lovely (a trait from both your parents. Sorry about that) and you have a determined nature. You definitely get frustrated when you can’t do something right. Take your time my darling, it’ll all come together.

We’ve got lots to look forward to next year, none less than our first family holiday together and perhaps we might actually put some roots down.
You’ll be starting nursery too, just another step into losing you to the grown up path you must follow. I’m both daunted and excited for you.

Who knows what this year will bring, but boy am I glad we all get to do it together.

Protective over baby Molly. How I wish I could make you a big brother.

James, Mummy turns 30 in just over 50 days time. Thats like WELL old. I am very excited about this. When you are older, you will understand why. I want to tell you everything this year gave us. The good and the bad, for it makes up everything we are today.

You saved me James, you and your Father saved me this year. You think I’ve been raising you, when really you’ve been teaching me all along.

Lets teach each other lots more things next year…lets try learning how to lie in, that would be awesome.

I love you so much, my wonderful little boy.

Swoon…

Keep growing strong,
Love,
Mama x

A Sign

There’s lot of things happening in the world of Crimp. Changes yet again in our little world. Never people to ebb and flow, we are once again flying by the seat of our pants. More on that to come soon.

I’ve been struggling. Really struggling. Outwardly I look alright. Tired perhaps, working hard will do that to you. But inwardly, my heart is heavy. It’s being crushed by anxiety. It’s physically dragging me down. I caught a glimpse the other day and I saw that I was slouched and aimless. My awesome posture long gone.

Timehop is both a blessing and a curse. It’s reminding me of the little things that inevitably bring me to my 1st anniversary. Little nuisances of unbearable pain from what would have been my last ever period, to the slow wait to have my scan on the 2nd October. I’ve deleted and re-installed the app, my own form of torture I think.

I am dreading the 2nd of November. It can’t possibly be nearly a year since my life, our life changed completely.

Is it really only a year? I’ve aged far more than that.

The brink of tears has been ever more present of late; sometimes I let them come. Tumbling from my eyes like they are trying to escape my inner hell.
Sometimes I can blink away and move on and get on with whatever spreadsheet happens to be open.

I’ve been looking for peace, even for just a little while.
My Mum, an awesome present finder, once gave me a pouch with some little stones which, on each one, has wish, love and hope on them. Somehow, I lost the hope stone and at the time I laughed. Of course I lost hope, what the fuck was my life going to entail!

Today, I changed my hand bag and whilst clearing it of the 40,000 receipts and other toddler debris most mothers carry, and there tucked into a corner pocket, I found this…

Of late, I’ve really found it difficult to comprehend anything to happen for a reason, and my faith really has taken a beating, but I’m trying, really trying to see this as a turning point.

Someone, somewhere wanted me to find my hope again.

A sign. Lets hope I can let it back in.

Annnnd…ACTION

I’ve been given an amazing opportunity.
It’s all happened very quickly and I still don’t quite believe it’s happening at all.

At the beginning of the year I made a little resolution to myself to make more women aware of cervical screening. Help women get away from the stigma of getting there Hoo-Ha’s checked out.
I was going to do this via my blog, random monthly reminders via Twitter and Facebook ‘Get your cervix checked, Today!’.

I got a call on Thursday after responding to a media request and spoke to Maddy at Jo’s Trust for 20 mins, who told me she’d like to put me forward to speak on Daybreak.

Y’know, the morning programme, with the legend that is Lorraine Kelly.

Holy moly.

And since then it’s been a whirlwind.
Today they are coming to our home to film a segment (cue massive cleaning, the likes of which hasn’t been done since I was nesting) and then tomorrow at silly o’clock I’m going to the studio to actually speak LIVE.

*voms a little*

I am so pleased I can help Jo’s Trust to raise awareness, lord knows it’s so important that more women know the difference screening like this is.

I guess I’m nervous because although I write strongly and come across bolshy and in control, I am in fact a tiny lady in this big bad world. Do I have what it takes to convince women to get a smear or act on something not right. Or get a Man to let the women in his life know its nothing to be ashamed of to sort there vagina out?

Oh god, am I gonna have to say VAGINA on breakfast TV?!

And you’re all going to see how fat I am and how common I sound?!?!

Fuck it. If I get just one woman pick up the phone to her doctors to book a smear, then I think that’s a good job done.

Wish me luck.

Nitty Gritty

OK. Here are the facts.

The tumour is quite large, 7-8 cms. It has spread slightly to the lymph node in my pelvis, hence why the radiotherapy will now be across my whole pelvis and not localised. The remainder of my body is fine.

The course of treatment will be 6 weeks of intense radiotherapy, everyday, apart from weekends, with chemotherapy once a week. This will be in tablet form with a saline infusion to protect my kidneys. Towards the end of the treatment cycle, I will have 3 internal radiation hits, to really boost the work already done.

This chemo might make me nauseous and sick but I will not lose my hair.

The radiotherapy will make me very tired and my bowel movements will probably change as they are of course impacting on an area which houses my bowel and bladder.

The radiotherapy itself is a 10-15 minute session, which is much like a scan and should be painless. It might be uncomfortable later and I will probably experience some bleeding.

I have been told to carry on as normal, no harm will come to children or pregnant ladies and I can continue to exercise and work, if I feel up to it.

The next step is for me to have an examination under anaesthetic, then I will have a kidney scan to see if I am functioning properly, then we will have our pre-radiotherapy appointment where I get sized up and tattooed, and prepped for war.

Treatment is aiming to start in 3 weeks time.

This is the start of an important life changing journey for me. I am scared, petrified I won’t be able to remain as strong as I am feeling today. I know I have to be and I will be. I have too much support around me, not to be.

Today was the first time it hit me. I have cancer.

Fuck.

I have cancer.

But I also have you.

Come join me. It’s not going to be pretty, but if nothing else it will be an experience.

Wish me luck.