Crystal Ball

This next blog has struck a chord with me.

Whilst pondering on what I was going to write next, willing myself to suddenly become hilarious, the wonderful @ruralmummy threw this spanner in the works…

well the only question I have is about future treatment. Is there going to be anything on going? What is your prognosis long term? How do you feel about your future now?

The 28th February sees me having my 4 week check. I think this check up is to see how the lasting cumulative effects of the radiotherapy are doing and how I am doing in general health.

2/3 months later, I will have an MRI to see the status of the tumour and what/ if future treatment will be.

It could be surgery to remove, seeing as it has shrunk the margins are better to play with. It could mean more chemotherapy.
I don’t think radiotherapy in that area is an option as you can only have a limited amount of radiation.

Hopefully it won’t need further treatment.

Hopefully I can just go every three months for a check up for the next two years, then I can increase that to every six months, until we reach the magic 5 year mark.

I’ve really tried not to think too far ahead. Whilst I was having treatment, it was easy to have goalposts to aim against.

These last 4 weeks have been a bit like floating in limbo.
It was nice to have the security of visiting the hospital everyday. They checked you everyday, if you had a problem, you only had to wait 24 little hours before you could voice it.

Then suddenly they take that security blanket away from you and you have to try and get back to what life was like before Cancer came along.

So I’ve tried not to get too excited about future dealings with the devil. I have been so positive about things but, every time I try to get my brain to think about life down the road, I pull myself back.

You know those full body scans you can have, which can show osteoporosis, heart disease and even when your next due a poo, well I never ever liked the idea of having one done.
Why on earth would you want to know what could possible ail you in later life. Yes, yes I know prevention is sometimes better than cure, but why would you want to base your future on something that may or may not happen.

But now? Now that my future, for the next 5 years at the very least, is determined by a Fuckwit. Yea, i’d want one of them bad boys. It’s a freaking crystal ball into your bodies future.

I guess it’s a control thing.

I think you could ask any Cancer warrior what was the one thing they would like most and the answer (other than survival) would be to have more control over your….destiny I guess.

In a situation where everything is questioned or put on hold or assessed to within an inch of it’s life, having control over your own body is a sacred pleasure.

So what does my future hold?

I hope it holds me seeing in my 10 year anniversary with Pete next April.
I hope I get to see Jack graduate.
I hope I get to see James grow up and go to school and be a happy little boy.
I hope…I can only hope.

Where is that crystal ball when you need one.

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